23 Things I’ve Learned In 23 Years

On May 19th, I turned 23. I definitely didn’t want to turn 23, but there’s not much I can do about that. For some reason, I’ve always felt younger than I really am. I attribute this to having a quick childhood and feeling like I had to grow up rather abruptly. The fact that I have 6 younger siblings may also be an influence... who knows. I’ve always held a sort of childish outlook on life, while simultaneously bearing this matured, skeptical perspective. It’s always been this kind of indecisive awareness with how I view situations.

I’ve experienced a lot during the course of my life. Things that have shaped the way that I view the world (whether that be cynical or optimistically) and handle certain situations. At this point in my life, I feel as if I have been well-versed in what to do and what not to do. I often wish that I had had an older sibling to teach me these life lessons or to have given me the same advice that I have shared with my younger siblings. My hope is that everything that I have done will have acted as a model for them. Below are 23 lessons that I’ve learned in 23 years.

xx, Stay Basic

1. Make an effort to be social and meet people outside your friend group

For so many years, I was always afraid of being judged. Judged by anyone really, but especially by people outside my immediate friend group. I tried not to socialize with people in class, at parties, or on campus. Something that I’ve learned is that having that fear is absurd. People are just as nervous and they are probably wanting new friends too! It’s intimidating to imitate conversation but my advice is to just be yourself. Try giving someone a compliment. If they’re in the same class, ask if they’d like to study with you. Once you’ve broken the ice, I can guarantee that you’ll feel 100% better about yourself because you’ve just accomplished something completely outside of your comfort zone.

2. Pay attention in class because you might actually learn something

I’ve spent my entire life being the student who zones out during a lecture by doodling or daydreaming. I get decent grades, but I know that if I just payed attention, I could be getting straight A’s. Most likely, you’re paying to be in the class so naturally you want to get the most out of it. The more I find myself drifting off, the harder it is for me to catch up. You may not find the material super interesting, but pay attention and by the end of the semester you’ll feel more intelligent and more apt to discuss the topic with others. *The more you know*

3. Don’t be afraid to take a challenging class or to try a new hobby

Stepping out of your comfort zone will be the best thing you ever do. You’ll never know if you love (or hate) something until you try it. This has been one of the hardest things for me to tackle because I’m such an introvert. Meeting new people and trying new things is incredibly daunting to me. But what I can tell you is that every time that I have tried another hobby or did something new, I haven’t regretted it. It’s an situation that you will look back on and be proud that you tried it.

4. Trust your gut

Oooh, this is a life lesson that I can’t put enough emphasis on. There have been plenty of instances when I should have trusted my gut, but didn’t. If you’re ever in a situation that feels “off” or questionable, don’t hesitate to do whatever you’re feeling. If you felt like you should have let your friends know where you were going, call or text them now. If you fell like someone is following you, they probably are. Trusting your gut doesn’t always have to be in an unpredictable circumstance though. If you have a gut feeling that your friend needs some advice, sit down with them and have a chat. Your intuition is almost never wrong.

5. Celebrate the little moments

The little things are almost always taken for granted. They’re easily overlooked because something bigger and better is always happening. I love celebrating the moments of insignificance. I know that I cherish the occasions when I get a surprise card from my mom or a text from a friend that I haven’t talked to in a while. Little things like having fresh flowers, or my roommate cleaning the bathroom, or even my bed being made make life so much greater. It is definitely easy to take these things for granted but when you step back and appreciate the small things, you’ll find yourself happier more often.

6. Be adventurous. Say yes to things that scare you

To be honest, I’m the worst at saying yes to things. I tend to isolate myself from certain people and situations that may persuade me to be more adventurous. This isn’t necessarily because I don’t want to be adventurous or daring, it is because I’m afraid of what will happen if I leave my room. Leave my city. Leave my state. I’ve always been afraid of the unknown. This past year living in an entirely new state and city has opened my eyes to look past this irrational fear. I’ve said yes to almost every invitation that has been extended to me. Saying yes doesn’t always have to apply to being adventurous though, it relates to saying yes to just having out with new people. Saying yes to going tanning or going on a date with a new guy. It’ll always be a conscious effort to make yourself available and to give yourself ways to experience something new.

7. Don’t beat yourself up when you fail

I’m an expert on silently punishing myself for my failures. It’s effortless to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake or don’t live up to expectations. While I don’t do anything drastic or physical to my body, I’m super hard on myself mentally. I’ve learned to use my failures (and there are many) as a stepping stone to achieve something greater. My shortcomings are something that have shaped my life whether I’d like them to or not. I’ve come to realize that in order to be happy, I have to use these failures to my advantage. Harping on past mistakes will only cause you future frustration and will ultimately interfere with your success.

8. You ARE capable

You are exceptional, you are talented, you are able. These are things can never be said too much. I often find myself questioning my ability to do something or my *finesse* to efficiently and successfully complete a task. It feels like these doubts flood my mind every minute of every day. yourself that you’re just as competent, if not more, than everyone around you. YOU are the only person standing in your way. If you want something, you have to realize that it can be yours, you just have to work for it.

9. Speak up for yourself. Know your opinion matters

I’m the worst at speaking my mind or sharing my opinion. My introverted personality makes it difficult for me to speak up in situations that involve any amount of other people. I’m not one to raise my hand in class, to acknowledge that a mistake was made or to oppose someone in a hot topic argument. I’m an extremely passive person and I wish that this wasn’t always the case. There are times that I definitely regret not voicing my opinion or challenging someone else’s views. If something is bothering you or if you feel like your point of view is worth sharing, speak up! Making your voice heard is something that you should make an effort to do in any capacity.

10. Be forgiving (in the right situations)

I’ve always been one to hold a grudge. I’m a gold medalist in grudge-holding and I’m definitely not proud of it. 4 years later, after a situation that occurred during my time at Roanoke College, I find myself wishing that I had reached out to and forgiven the people that wronged me. These regrets weigh heavily on my conscience and are a constant reminder of a time that I’m incredibly ashamed of. I have many instances where I could have forgiven someone but chose to hold a grudge because my ego was bruised. I have learned that in an attempt free a portion of your anxiety, you must forgive. Forgive those that have caused countless sleepless nights, incessant tears and irreversible damage to how you trust others.

11. Being single isn’t the end of the world

DO YOU. Boyfriends should only be an enhancement to your life. They’re not an end all, be all. People who are afraid to be single are one of my biggest pet peeves. How will you ever know who you are as a person if you’re never alone? Your worth isn’t tied up in the guy that you feature as your “MCM” on Instagram or who you drag with you to parties. I’ve been single for years and while it’s not ideal, I’ve been able to really figure out what I want from a guy and what I want for myself. Use the time that you’re single to develop long-lasting relationships with your friends and your family because once you do have a boyfriend, you’ll want to spend 100% of your time with him. Just because everyone else has a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that you should too! I’m a 3rd wheel everywhere my friends and I go but it’s been the most fun I’ve had in a while.

12. No one is paying attention so wear what you want

This is something that I have always struggled with. In middle and high school, I was infatuated with having every designer accessory and owning more Abercrombie & Fitch than my peers. I developed a resentment towards my mother (who couldn’t even afford any of these things) when she refused to buy me everything that I begged for. Over the years, I’ve become “lax” in how I view materialism and the way that I deal with not having every designer outfit or handbag. What I have noticed though is that 99% of people DON’T CARE what you’re wearing or who the designer is. I’ve often left the house with a ratty t-shirt on and shorts that are 2 sizes too small and I get the same amount of disinterest from people as I do when I’m wearing something that cost $200. Only you will know how much it costs and whether or not you purchased it at Barney’s or Walmart. If you wear your $5 thrift-store shirt with confidence, that’s all anyone will ever notice.

13. Don’t spend every cent in your bank account

Money has never been a friend of mine. My accounting skills SUCK and probably always will. I’m a spender, not a saver and I am usually spending my money on food or random shit from Walmart. I can’t even begin to tell you how much money I’ve spent on these two things. I wish that I had been smarter about my money when I was younger because I have no idea how to budget or save now. It’s always going to be easy to see $300 in your bank account and think about what you’re going to buy next, BUT YOU NEED TO BE SMART. Instead of thinking about right now, think about a week or a month down the road. Keep a modest amount of money aside for a rainy day. Try to remember to spend wisely, not wildly. You don’t always have to have the newest pair of shoes or every single movie subscription on the market. People will accept you either way.

14. Your first love will break your heart, but don’t let him rule the rest of your life

This is something that everyone will experience, whether that be at 12, 16 or 28. Heartbreak is one of the worst things that I’ve ever endured. My first love and I broke up in the summer of 2012 and I still haven’t completely gotten over him. We dated on and off for over 2 years and he was my first for many, many things. There have been instances since we’ve broken up where I’ve casually dated or hooked up with other guys, but no one ever seems to compare to him. There are days and weeks that he won’t even cross my mind but eventually something always reminds me of him.

The days that I don’t think about him, are the best days. I am able to fully live my life or be excited about new boys. My advice to you, if you’re going through something similar, is to immerse yourself in something that you love or in people that you love. People that make you forget. Chances are is that he has forgotten about you and moved on. You need to do the same, no matter how difficult you make it out to be. If you're meant to be together, let fate do its thing. But in the meantime, life your life. Make memories without him lingering in your mind. Kiss lots of boys (or girls) and go on lots of dates. These experiences will hopefully help you pinpoint exactly what you want/like in a significant other.

15. Stop saying sorry

This is something that I will always be conscious about. Apologizing is a way of life, but when you do it in excess that’s when it becomes problematic. Things are not always your fault and you shouldn’t feel inclined to apologize for something that someone else does. When you stop saying sorry for situations that you cannot control, your apologies will have more meaning when things are your fault.

16. Losing friends is a part of life

This is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn. I’ll find myself rummaging my brain, trying to pinpoint the exact moment that I fell out of friendship with a specific person. And there are many, many instances where I’ve lost people that I’ve once though were my closest confidants. You can’t help but take a lot of the blame when something like this happens. The thing to remember is that this is a natural part of life. It will never truly be just your fault because people evolve. Both parties change interests, change locations, change influence. If you’re one of the select few that never have to experience this, then I applaud you... but for the rest of us, your grief is felt and acknowledged. My advice for people going through this is to surround yourself with people that matter. This will strengthen y’all's relationship and encourage you to make new/better memories that will overshadow the old ones.

17. Live in the moment, because you can’t plan your entire life

You’ll want to plan ahead and nitpick every aspect of your future, but the truth is that you’re life will never go exactly how you envision it. I know from personal experience that this is the truest thing ever. I planned my entire life and was devastated when things went completely sideways. In an attempt to save yourself from a lifetime of regret and disappointment, you should try to keep in mind that the moment that you’re in right now is the one that you should be focusing on. Plan out a day, a week or a month in advance, not your entire life. You’ll be much happier to see things come to fruition in real time.

18. Say thank you & mean it

This is probably something that you already say, but the key is to mean it. Be thankful and say it to everyone that you can. I like to say thank you to my mom after she buys groceries or takes my siblings and I to get breakfast. I also try to say thank you to friends after a night out or when my roommates fold my laundry without asking. These things often go unnoticed and unacknowledged, but saying thank you in a sincere and meaningful way gives the opposite party a chance to feel important and appreciated.

19. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

I’m guilty of doing this in every situation imaginable. When I was planning my move down to Oxford, I envisioned myself being friends with the prettiest, most popular girls on campus. While searching on my university’s housing website, I came across my current roommates but wrote them off because they weren’t my definition of “the prettiest or most popular”. They reached out to me and after getting to know one roommate in particular, she became one of my best friends. It just goes to show that once you get past your preconceived stereotypes and your judgements about others, you’ll may actually find something great.

20. Keep in touch with family and friends back home

If your mom calls, answer the phone. You only have a finite number of years with her. When you move away, call and check up on your siblings. They miss you just as much as you miss them. I tend to let myself think “Oh, they’re busy, they’ll call when they’re free”... NO! This mentality has to stop because the truth is, if you leave it up to someone else, you’ll be dissapointed. If you want to call your brother or sister, call them yourself.

Something that I often regret is that I didn’t keep in touch with my friends from high school. I see people that I used to be friends with coming back to my hometown and getting re-aquainted and I always feel like I missed out on. Make an effort to stay in contact with the people that you close with when you were younger because you’ll regret it when you’re older.

21. Ask for help

Don’t wait around for someone to ask “Are you Ok?” because you’ll either be waiting forever or you’ll be asked by someone who’s opinion you don’t value. I’ve always been an independent person; someone who doesn’t like for other people to intrude into my personal business. When things get bad, I am never one to ask for help but I’ve learned over the years that this isn’t healthy. I’ve been in countless situations that have proved too massive for me to tackle on my own, and only at the last minute have I asked my mom, a professional or a friend for help. If you’re feeling like you need assistance of any kind, do not feel like you’re invincible. You may be able to cary all of your burdens on your shoulders now, but time is not on your side. There will come a day that you will crack under all of the pressure. Take it from someone who’s been there time and time again. Being bulletproof isn’t always better.

22. It’s OK if you don’t have your life figured out yet

Growing up, I always tried to have my life mapped out. I was going to graduate college in 4 years, get my masters, get my Phd, become an architect/interior designer, travel all throughout my 20s, meet the man of my dreams, settle down in my mid 30s and have 2 or 4 kids (preferably girls). At 23, this is laughable. Since graduating high school 5 years ago, I’ve attended 3 colleges and I’m still not finished with my bachelor’s degree. I’ve had 5 completely random jobs that have no significance to the career that I want to pursue. I haven’t had a real boyfriend since 2012.

My life has been a mess, but that’s OK. It’s ok to have no idea of what you want to do with your life because that’s exactly it, YOUR LIFE. I’ve been trying to get better at comparing my life to people that I graduated high school with, because I’ve realized that not everyone has the same path. Some struggle more than others and some become successful later on in life. I’ve been reminded over and over again that I’m only 23... that I have the entire rest of my life to figure out which career path I should take or which guy I want to be with. My advice is to just give yourself time; live in the moment and accept where you are now because you’ll look back and appreciate everything that you experienced.

23. Work hard to accept yourself now

Loving yourself now is the foundation to a successful and meaningful life. For my entire life, I remember picking and prodding at my body... disgusted that I wasn’t 5’11” and a size 0. I constantly compared my curvy hips and 5’6” frame to every girl that I came into contact with. What I’ve come to realize is that while you don’t have to completely love your body, you have to love who you are as a person. Your body will naturally change with age or you can change it yourself. What you can’t change is your personality and character. When you’re reflecting on your life later on, you’ll want to be able to say that you were kind to everyone that you met. I know that there are moments in my past where I was not the best version of myself and I really regret it. I often wish there was a “reset” button that I could press. But if you strive to be a good, decent person, then you’ll find that life has ways of rewarding you. It may not be significant at first, but the more positivity that you put into the world, the more you’ll get in return.

#23lessons #23years #experience #social #maturity #optimistic